Quotes: h

Gentlemen, I want to make one thing perfectly clear: I mean to put you in harm’s way.

For the next three months you and I will do everything in our power to see that these men are able to land safely, which means that for the next three months we must do everything in our power to kill them.

I guess she’ll stop acting weird now that i’m not a guy.

i laughed. it is more worth matinee than full price. it feels more like an exposition, then it ends. WHERES MY CLIMAX!?!? WHERES MY DENOUEMENT!?!?

im writing another one of those emails again, arent i? where i carry on a conversation with my self. not safe.

in fact, a whole clan of the martinez germanic tribe settled as far as the celtic/gaelic areas in the north of europe, known today as simply the “martins” or, in ireland the “o'martins.” their history, much like that of the lesser know “bobs”, includes having a major family patriarch killed by friendly fire in every war, a propensity to over-wordy, self-congratulatory humor, and seeming irrelevance to topics at hand. most importantly, their original language was a crossbreed melange of germanic/romance languages, leading to their family logo: Mi hombre, me siento weltschmerz.

Of course, we could write differently in order to mask ourselves. That isn’t entirely far-fetched. I can even use correct grammar, correct spelling, and correct capitalization when necessary.

so, like, i have insomnia (as sam kass has probably already witnessed in my early email to him.) so, i tried my tried and true very very very last resort: alcohol. drank down a couple a guinnesses to fast for the quality of the beer. now, im a blasted insomniac, and i have devised a few schemes for the betterment of the human race.

The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood.

You’re a creature of the night, Michael. Wait’ll Mom hears about this.

So, if we do all go the way of the dinosaurs, I’ll know why. It wasn’t because of our devastating military weapons. It wasn’t because of the diabolical plans of a few evil individuals. Nope. It’s because penis ads have taken over the gestalt that is the United States. We’ve all collectively lost our minds and have succumbed to the blessed slumber of a world where you can simply take a pill to solve your most pressing problem. Only now we’re acting this out with the most sophisticated and mind bogglingly effective military on the planet. And boy do the chicks dig it. Or so I hear…

San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city. I don’t mean the people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy. When they boo you, you know they mean *you*. Music, that’s what it is to me. One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo.

Some people think a song without words isn’t a real song. Tell that to Beethoven and he’ll kick your ass!

I may despise what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.

Elvis is dead. Give it up.

I saw “Sleep With Me”, with Eric Stoltz… I can see how the rest of my life is going to go… it’s depressing… and painful… and sucky… and Quentin Tarantino is there… it’s horrible…

It’s that goddamn salinger book that did it. Every time. And the fact that parents let me read too much as a child. It just ruined me.

Oh how i love being tragic. Oh how i love outright lies.

The goddamn cat never bit you. That was me.

You know, he’s a much better doctor when he’s raging drunk.

NITVWIT, n.: Any person who can’t find reverse gear in a Volkswagen.

Personally I do not take a stand on the quaint customs that may take place in the colonies. If they wish to speak in a certain way then that is their business. When the greatest cultural aspiration of a society is to place a MacBurger Bar and Hagen Das Ice Cream palour on every highstreet of the globe it seems somewhat irrelevant to start taking them up on their vocabulary.

It was a good job, but not a great job. It taught me a lot about how I want to spend 40 years until retirement. About my values, and what’s important to me. What I want to do with my life. The people I want to work with. I won’t miss it very much, though – They wanted me to wear pants every DAY.

The perception appears to be that Americans are workaholics, Americans are crazy, Americans take life too seriously and don’t enjoy life. But that’s also why you don’t see a lot of Netscapes sprouting out of the south of France.

A nit is the larval stage of lice. It’s not just a bug, it’s a particularly disgusting bug.

And tell me what’s going on. Since I have no social life and I work more than I ever have before. Combined. Writing my tenth paper of the year right now. Well, not writing it now, writing mail now… but I will write it.

There was industrial before NIN? Next you’ll tell me there was punk before Black Flag.

Some of us have our own opinions. I, for instance, have the opinion that you’re a twit.

The best we can hope for concerning the people at large is that they be properly armed.

There are only 2 enterprises that refer to their customers as users, and one is illegal.

Machines should work. People should think.

This is the circus. Everybody is trying not to go home. Nobody is saying goodbye.

There! His Majesty can now read my name without glasses. And he can double the reward on my head!

We may not stop until we have done our part to fashion a world in which there shall be some share of fellowship; which shall be better than a den of thieves. Let us not disguise the difficulties; and, above all, let us not content ourselves with noble aspirations, counsels of perfection, and self-righteous advice to others. We shall need the wisdom of the serpent; we shall have to be content with short steps; we shall be obliged to give and take; we shall face the strongest passions of mankind - our own not the least; and in the end we shall have fabricated an imperfect instrument. But we shall not wholly have failed; we shall have gone forward, if we bring to our task a pure and chastened spirit, patience, understanding, sympathy, forbearance, generosity, fortitude, and, above all, an inflexible determination. The history of man has just begun; in the aeons which lie before him lie limitless hope or limitless despair. The choice is his; the present choice is ours. It is worth the trial.

I GUESS I’LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don’t want to. Her spirit was wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her other qualities.

It’s supposed to be hard; if it wasn’t hard, everyone would do it. The hard is what makes it great.

So you see, not only does cell phone radiation cause impotence, incontinence, jock itch, malaria, and loss of hearing, but it also makes you stupid and forgetful. Furthermore, frequent and and public use of cell phones will cause all of your children to be born *completely naked*. Some of the cool Dick Tracy wrist phones that were recently announced are, however, totally cool and harmless. I will own one someday. Ok, that is all.

The audio cassette tape, the VCR, and CD-R have all had their day as technologies that ostensibly threaten the very cultural lifeblood of the modern world. Of course, despite the enormous popularity of recordable media we’re all still here, wearing synthetic fabrics, using antibiotics, listening to music, watching movies, and just generally not living in the Dark Ages.

I use Macs for work, Linux for education, and Windows for Solitaire.

The thing that makes you exceptional, if you are at all, is inevitably that which must also make you lonely.

Alex, I’ll take “Annoying Software” for $200.

Dammit, be. LIBERAL. in what you accept and. CONSERVATIVE. in what you send!

Diving gear? Fetish wear? What’s the difference?

[I hate it when] it when people intrude on my clean grayscale world with flashy colors (unless I happen to be editing C++ code, which only looks good in color)

I want a non filesystem-based source code management & control system. I want it to have a nice interface, supported on multiple platforms for both the client and server, and support multiple independent projects built from the same source base. I want it to use a protocol that is published as an Internet Draft or informational RFC. I want it to be sold by a vendor that documents the backend format in pornographic detail, but also supplies good recovery tools so that detail is only necessary for warm fuzzies. I want a pony.

I wonder why none of the “programmer wanted” postings in comp.os.linux.* ever list payment options.

If the style guide was enforced by FrontPage, Composer, and a LEAD PIPE it sure would!

imminent death of the net predicted. again.

Martin’s tendency to visualize is not a toy.

Okay, who else had to go back and correct their quotefile?

SCSI likes chicken. Fresh. Very, and preferably inside a pentagram… (Check cable lengths and IDs.)

That’s better. Self-indulgent, whiny music with artificial significance take me away!

This whole “using people for batteries” thing is just as terrible an idea as teaching monkeys to use tools and language. When will we learn? Our only hope is that the machines and the monkeys will fight it out.

Which part of “I CAN’T DO THAT IN 2 HOURS!” didn’t you understand?!

You mean you didn’t hear about the free Koolaid at WWDC?

Every time they announced that something had gone wrong, I burst into hysterics. Everyone thought that I’d lost it. I had.

Computer games don’t affect kids. I mean if pac man affected us as kids, we’d all run around in a darkened room munching pills and listening to repetitive music.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

I’ve attempted to build a caffeine death ray out of empty Mtn Dew bottles… All I need now is 3 tons of dessicated spleens..

I’ve solved the problem of world hunger: Feed the homeless to the poor!

If you put an infinite amount of monkeys in front of an infinite amount of typewriters, they’d eventually produce the entire works of Shakespeare. Do the same with humans and computers and you get Windows NT. Score: Monkeys 1, Humans 0

I’m not claiming to any moral high ground. Sometimes, I make grilled cheese sandwiches with velveeta for dinner.

this sounded like a stupid sprint phone operator (no pun intended)

The greatest truths are the simplest, and so are the greatest men.

Furthermore Word is virtually guaranteed to have at least one feature you can’t live without which just isn’t available in any other word processor. (Well, it’s probably available in WordPerfect, but the difference is that in in Word it works.)

I didn’t mind that you were sleeping. It’s just that you were snoring.

The atheistic humanist and the committed religious person have the same enemy: that slack, hedonistic and thoughtless atheism which, often embellished with a sentimental religiosity, is the real faith of contemporary Western society.

As a devout Christian an concerned parent I’m shock, outraged, appalled. I demand a refund for my free account! These sub domains are letting the terrorists win!

Religion is the one area of our discourse in which it is considered noble to pretend to be certain about things no human being could possibly be certain about.

A cynic is not merely one who reads bitter lessons from the past, he is one who is prematurely disappointed in the future.

Any philosophy that can be put “in a nutshell” belongs there.

The real danger is not that computers will begin to think like men, but that men will begin to think like computers.

I don’t listen to you. I just know what’s right, which is nearly as good.

The sound of people drowning is something I cannot describe to you. And neither can anyone else. It is the most dreadful sound. And there is a dreadful silence that follows it.

Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation.

Nothing can so prevent you from learning the truth as the belief that you already know it.

The essence of wisdom is to maintain suspicion about what you want to be true.

Computers will be small enough to hold in your hand, and everyone will have them. By the end of my lifetime [2020] you will be able to hold every word of the Library of Congress in your hands, and they will have passed a law against it.

Over the years we have been warned about the danger of subversive organizations that would threaten our liberties, subvert our system, would encourage its members to take further illegal action to advance their views, organizations that would incite and promote violence, pitting one American group against another… There is an organization that does fit those descriptions, and it is the organization, the leadership of which has been most constant in its warning to us to be on guard against such harm. The [FBI] did all of those things.

I am disassociating myself from work, here. I don’t consider you a client for the rest of this post, just a moron.

One thing they don’t tell you about doing experimental physics is that sometimes you must work under adverse conditions… like a state of sheer terror.

Ya’ll consider this a public service announcement: You parents, family members and friends need to stop telling little Johnny or Suzy that they have talent because they perform in the basement at some party. Ya’ll need to stop telling those children that they have talent and they need to perform at the Apollo! This is the Apollo! We’ll let them know if they don’t have any talent.

Those who do not understand Henry Spencer are doomed to quote him.

I feel like Keith Richards looks. ugh.

Web designers doing weblogs is kind of like the old joke about student film makers: they tend produce films about being a student film maker, filled with struggling actors playing struggling actors and frustrated writers playing frustrated writers.

Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases.

I’m worried about Congress really messing this up. We have that tendency, I’ve been told.

I could stop here, but I’m going to subject you to a bunch of math.

Statisticians are usually working with sample sizes of 27 or 34. Neural nets usually have sizes in the thousands, and you can party with the central limit theorem when you’re up there. It’s a great place to be.

I’m banking on the fact that this [bound] is *really* small. Don’t try this – kids, don’t try this at home – unless your first bound is really small.

To me, and to the people I know well and spend my time with, positive experiences and negative experiences are one and the same. We can take sunshine and flowers and make them oppressive and repugnant. We can take smog and crusty eye goo and make them glorious and uplifting. We do this all day long, and it drives us crazy, and it drives us. It makes us interesting to each other and annoying to each other. We are simultaneously impossibly light and heavy, sincere and insincere, cynical and pretentious, jocular and melodramatic. We contradict ourselves every second of the day, and we’re not about to apologize for it, but then, we are actually willing to apologize for it, and we do so almost constantly.

Some of you might be wondering why I’m spending so much time on the idiot. See the title of this post; it’s from the novel by black gangsta rapper Herman Melville. Ok, I got it from Star Trek II, where it was spoken by black gangsta rapper Ricardo Montalban, talking about his arch-foe, Captain Nyota Uhura of the Enterprise. Please do not misinterpret this as me saying Jeff is a great white whale. I would hate for anyone to reach that mistaken conclusion. He ain’t so great. I am aware of what Ahab’s obsession ultimately cost him: misery, destruction and death. Now ask me if I care.

God not only plays dice, he also sometimes throws the dice where they cannot be seen.

That’s a definition, not a theorem. That means you don’t argue with it; you just write it down and memorize it.

The world owes all its onward impulses to men ill at ease. The happy man confines himself within ancient limits.

This one is an ANSI standard fuse blower.

As we all know, “hard sf” is the rigorously demanding, intellectually taxing practice of “sf without a net,” which rejects squishy soft ideas like human biology or psychology in favor of hardnosed, realistic concepts such as hyperdrives, travel through black holes, omnipotent aliens, etc.

One of the many agency heads I’ve worked with over the years said, “When it’s great, there’s no debate.” I can’t imagine a more fatuous, false statement.

We tend to idealize tolerance, then wonder why we find ourselves infested with losers and nut cases.

It may indeed prove to be far the most difficult and not the least important task for human reason rationally to comprehend its own limitations. It is essential for the growth of reason that as individuals we should bow to forces and obey principles which we cannot hope fully to understand, yet on which the advance and even the preservation of civilization depend.

Of course all ISP’s suck. They try to take a global communications infrastructure and run it like a macdonald’s franchise.

Son, we live in a world that has blogs, and those blogs have to be guarded by men with computers. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Waring? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Reynolds and you curse the Keyboarders. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Reynolds’ existence, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don’t want the truth because deep down, in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that blog. You need me on that blog. We use words like “fisk,” “indeed,” “heh” … We use these words as the backbone to a life spent at home defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a woman who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the endlessly self-important invective that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it! I would rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a laptop and start to post. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to!

Andrew: it’s not just an operating system, it’s an adventure.

People criticize my father because they say his models say inane things. I’ve met these girls. They ARE inane.

No conflict exists between the pleasure a modern American finds in material things and his struggle to discover a new scientific truth, or evolve a new philosophy, or create a work of art. The good life, the full life, encompasses all of these - and all of them satisfy and spur a man on to do more, see more, know more, experience more.

When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap.

Whenever they burn books they will also, in the end, burn human beings.

There are more fools in the world than there are people.

A poet who reads his own verse in public may have other nasty habits.

Some practical jokes are funny once. Do it once, you’re a wit; do it twice you’re a half-wit.

Stupidity cannot be cured. Stupidity is the only universal capital crime; the sentence is death. There is no appeal, and execution is carried out automatically and without pity.

The only inherent sin in society lies in huting others unnecessarily. Hurting yourself in not sinful - just dumb.

The supreme irony of life is hardly anyone ever gets out of it alive.

They didn’t want it good, they wanted it Wednesday.

When you have shot and killed a man, you have in some measure clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer to a definite problem. For better or for worse, you have acted decisively. In a way the next move is up to him!

Women and cats will do as they please. And men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwards.

i don’t want to do that. my title is software engineer, not hack engineer.

alright now, i have been hearing murmurs of doing something tonight that combines a) drinking and b) drinking. jeef and ilen have both mentioned something about a getogether tonight, and i must say that i am not opposed. in fact, i would be willing to devote considerable resources (i may even stand up) to make this happen. but i cannot act alone. in the immortal words of the not-so-immortal benjamin franklin: “we must drink together, or surely we shall all drink seperately and probably pass out and drown in pools of our own vomit”. he was a true patriot.

And she’s like “I don’t want to hear this,” and I’m like “well neither do I, so shut up.”

As my friend Eric Meyhofer would say, ‘That guy’s a loser’.

…because i spent the first three hours of the day in intense meditation trying to decide the most effective way for me to convey my overwhelming desire for you to BITE ME.

Bo knows CGI.

But you could tell me you met this girl. You could tell me she was intelligent, not just pop intelligent like these other women, but really intelligent, like ‘she runs me around in circles’ and she’s gorgeous, and we like each other, but not too much, and God himself blessed this relationship - God himself came down and said ‘I bless this relationship’, and I’d be like ‘Bail.’

Due to bad planning, it’s 11:00.

funding religious extremists is the bread and butter of powerful, stupid countries

God, I can see it now: me, lying on the ground, face besmeared with BBQ sauce, passing out listening to “your racist friend” in the background.

Guess what I have. Hint: it’s black and contains a loaded shotgun.

Hello. I’m a personal representative from your target market.

“HTML sucks” is the catch phrase you’re looking for here.

i felt that it was important that i display my more sensitive side in this matter. as carl jung might have said: LE MANS, France (Jun 12, 1997 - 17:32 EST) - Qualifying times on Thursday for this weekend’s Le Mans 24-hour race: 1. Michele Alboreto (Italy) Joest Porsche Prototype three minutes 41.581 seconds (average speed 220.958 kph); 2. Thierry Boutsen (Belgium) Porsche 911 3:44.234; 3. J.J. Lehto (Finland) BMW McLaren F1 3:45.402; 4. Emmanuel Collard (France) Porsche 911 3:45.490; 5. Christophe Bouchut (France) Kremer Porsche 911 3:46.389; 6. Max Papis (Italy) Ferrari 333SP Prototype 3:46.431; 7. Eric van de Poele (Belgium) Nissan R390 3:46.670; 8. Pierluigi Martini (Italy) BMS Porsche 911 3:46.907; 9. Gary Ayles (Britain) Lark McLaren F1 3:47.108; 10. Karl Wendlinger (Austria) Roock Porsche 911 3:47.314. hope that helped.

i have, as of late, tried to find the root of this particular emotion and its various manifestations (personal hatred, world hunger, the republican party, hale-bopp, hollywood, automatic porsches, wired, Mtv unplugged, stock market crashes, the stock market, financial analysts, money, no money, pink floyd breakups, bill gates, spam, peter jennings, intolerance, tolerance of the intolerable, deep blue, fast food, slow food, work, insomnia, apple pie, injection-molded plastics, new music, the radio, the tv, the microwave, the toaster, geothermal warming, and urban hipsterism) and have decided that it boils down to one single, quantifiable, elemental issue. you need more horsepower.

i would like to take this opportunity to completely reject modern probability theory. as it turns out, the calculation above is totally incorrect, and it threatens our free thought process almost as much as the phrase “whoppertunity”. furthermore, it only increases our dependance on university, computers, and the_man. on that note, see the amazingly simple calculation below for the probability of a group of any size with two people with the same birthday: for n people, the probability is n/(n*2), or ½. or simply put, it either is or isnt. just think! you have *even odds* at winning the lottery! or getting preganat! or that at any given moment, millions of volts of electricity will come coursing through your keybo–

In every situation, its good to have an agenda. The agenda here is wasting time.

It’s better than tv-dinner style philosophy with a side order of angst.

John Black was whining and we were at Sujata’s and she was being lame and I had already had a little too much to drink so I was like “let’s have a LOT too much to drink!”

Land of the free! Home of the brave! Go directly to jail! Blow habeus corpus out your rectus.

NASCAR (a name that is synonomyus with poorly-built cars careening off other poorly built cars and concrete walls at 190 MPH because their drivers are completely incompetent and whose mouths are too full of chew to radio to the pits that their cars are on fire and about to explode)

No conspiracy. Now hand me the keys.

One must work hard at procrastination, or something might get done ahead of time.

Pie tends to combine two things that should never mixed: which are: chocolate, and anything else.

see? now you will *all* understand what im talking about! it is not i who am crazy! it is i who am MAD! cant you see them? cant you hear the crowds? oh, my beloved ice cream bar…..

[She] is by far one of the most mentally… *decapitated* people I have ever met.

…so I’m sitting here telling her about my skills and how I’m the super master of everything and about how I actually *made* John Black out of twelve transistors and a block of aluminium (courtesy of Bell Labs). She said that someone would get back to me in two weeks.

suprisingly good: microsofts knowledge base search engine. suprisingly bad: NT’s solution to dealing with CGI. not suprising: i would kill for a good UNIX box right now.

The new system offers [almost unlimited] flexibility into the ways data can be organized around a multi-tier access model. To put it another way, it’s cool. Still another angle might be: the old way kinda sucked.

the next race should be totally awsome. Imola, at San Marino. highlights should be exploding ferrari engines and an arrows car actually finishing a race. also be on the lookout for italian officials trying to blame the bad crosswinds which caused a pit bunny to fall over and sprain her thumb on an improperly designed williams car which, in addition, may also have caused the death of ayrton senna at the tamburello curve. when questioned, frank williams will, for the first time in his professional carreer, laugh.

There are times that I think that SETI is one of the only signs of *terrestrial* intelligence.

These excuses are getting old. “Not now, I’m having a dyalsis problem,” doesn’t really cut it.

this guy, who according to his title is an engineer of topography (whatever that is), has the idea of natural selection completely wrong. furthermore, his lack of knowledge of fracture mechanics and cyclic stress theory leads him to ridiculous conclusions. this is akin to some kung-fu movie where an entire army of soliders attacks the hero one by one, and thus we conclude that the hero is stronger than the army. translation: hes getting laid.

translation: “Although the reason why we chose a near-OOP syntax structure is obscure at best and criminally punishable at worst, rest assured that while the word ‘object’ is used frequently, we neither recognize nor support any sane OOP functionality. To be honest, we just like the way ‘object-based’ sounds, and figured it would sell better than ‘bloody procedural hack’. You will get used to it, or die.”

What’s with this “sneak over?” I’m calling for AIR SUPPORT!

You know about crumple zones? This car is what crumples them.

you like jerks. fortunately, that fact makes this conversation possible.

They’ll need to do a double-blind test. That’s where they stick pins in both eyes and shove the cell phone up your ass.

Uh… you’re a moron. You said “she” and “cool” in the same sentence, and there was no “is in now way” stuck in between the two.

Whoa, [Need For Speed is] just like real life. I wreck my Viper while talking to a girl.

Women suck, they’re all disgusting little psychopathic leeches who do nothing more in your life than to suck your soul, leave your wallet empty, your heart broken, and your life destroyed.

you have made a distinction between “car racing” and MX (motocross, to the uninitiated. two stroke, offroad motorbikes that race on dirt and sand tracks filled with big jumps and hazardous terrain). the difference is not between bike and cars, or offroad and tarmac. in fact, it has absolutely nothing to do with what kind of motor racing is going on. it hinges on one very special principle. it is: (show me the) money.

you know what your problem is? you need to spend less time with situations where you know you will ultimately get (mentally/emotionally/physically) screwed, and more time with me in a porsche with a loaded shotgun in the back.

Laughing makes me warm.

Hey, you’re right! I’ve been choking, coughing and hacking in that order today. I’ll get more graphic: during one particularly bad spell I even had to plunk a hawker in the wastebasket. It could be retrieved for further study. Pete Neegaard witnessed this act and opted for the Lite Lunch as a result. Otherwise I’m fine.

I want everyone in the whole world to like me, except the people that I’ve already met, handled, found inconsequential, and forgot about.

Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some people have mediocrity thrust upon them.

*Someone* is going to be laying that provocative, pretty, hot-pantsed little girl soon, if someone isn’t doing it already, and why shouldn’t it be me, instead of some callow, arrogant wise guy, who would not relish her as much as I would, regale and intoxicate her with the spell of flattery and small attentions I could weave, or savor the piquant degeneracy of it nearly as much as I would be certain to.

When I read something saying I’ve not done anything as good as Catch-22 I’m tempted to reply, “Who has?”

Also, below is a link to a 4mb MP3 file that we can use for the purposes of the load test today, now otherwise known as the “Hotel California Benchmark Test”.

The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that success equals skill.

I do not cut my conscience to fit this year’s fashion.

I’ve imagined great victories, and I’ve imagined great races. The races are better.

[Java:] Just the latest “Silver Bullet” solution to the perpetual “software crisis” (suits-speak for “creating software costs money”).

How little it took, really, to bring far too many Americans down to juntahood - a single, terrible, terrible morning. Perhaps al Qaeda already got its weapon of mass destruction, a virus capable of making all infected forget the most basic facts about who they are, or at least who they were supposed to be. We even know when they used it. From here out, we may live or die, may win or lose, but not as Americans.

Anarchy is what you get when Democracy runs out of toilet paper.

You’ve been in the SCA too long when your spell check recognizes ‘pursuivant’

Markets react worse to change than to Democrats.

Our generation is the first generation forced into low-paying jobs at minimum wage.

I bought another case of Rock Star. Expect architectural changes.

That sounds good. I’m going to do the exact opposite.

Gentlemen may cry peace, peace, but there is no peace. The next gale that sweeps from the north will bring to our ears the clash of resounding arms. Our brethren are already in the field. Why stand we here idle? What is that gentlemen wish? What would they have? Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take, but as for me, give me liberty, or give me death.

Guard with jealous attention the public liberty. Suspect everyone who approaches that jewel. Unfortunately, nothing will preserve it but downright force: Whenever you give up that force, you are inevitably ruined.

If this be treason, make the most of it!

Intelligence reports are only useful for the intelligent.

You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it doesn’t dim the lights when you turn it on.

No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.

Beyond a critical point within a finite space, freedom diminishes as numbers increase. This is as true of humans in the finite space of a planetary ecosystem as it is of gas molecules in a sealed flask. The human question is not how many can possibly survive within the system, but what kind of existence is possible for those who do survive.

No more terrible disaster could befall your people than for them to fall into the hands of a Hero.

The people I distrust most are those who want to improve our lives but have only one course of action.

Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way.

Thousands of years ago the Egyptians worshiped cats as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

Hmm, everyone contributing to the common good. Red Hat. But I thought Communism was dead?!?

First: you will note that Mr. Bauer is certain that he understand’s God’s plan. You’ll want to file that one away for later as well.

Monkey good. Sphincter bad.

Many businessmen fail to understand Python principles– the ultimate absurdity was an offer from America to buy the “format” of the Python shows, that is, Monty Python without the Pythons– corporate methods do not have the conceptual framework to deal with an anarchist collective, run by intelligent and arrogant comedians who have proved that their method works.

How many bitter men does it take to change a light bulb? We don’t care, and if you try we’ll just throw the lamp against the wall again.

Opinions are like assholes – everyone’s got one, but nobody wants to look at the other guy’s.

Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration. That we are all one consciousness experiencing itself, subjectively; there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves.

It will be admitted by the least charitable reader that the entertainment value of Mr. Keynes’ General Theory of Employment is considerably enhanced by its satiric aspect.

If the evidence doesn’t seem to fit a particular conspiracy theory, just create a bigger conspiracy theory.

It’s a terrific, totally safe way to meet new people. Complete privacy is guaranteed. Your identity, and the identity of the person you have chosen, remains confidential until both persons agree to meet, a thorough background check and credit profile have been performed, and a neutral meeting place has been arbitrated. Should the date go badly, or result in injury or death, you need not ever see that person again.

I have an M.D. from Harvard, I am board certified in cardio-thoracic medicine and trauma surgery, I have been awarded citations from seven different medical boards in New England, and I am never, ever sick at sea. So I ask you; when someone goes into that chapel and they fall on their knees and they pray to God that their wife doesn’t miscarry or that their daughter doesn’t bleed to death or that their mother doesn’t suffer acute neural trama from postoperative shock, who do you think they’re praying to? Now, go ahead and read your Bible, Dennis, and you go to your church, and, with any luck, you might win the annual raffle, but if you’re looking for God, he was in operating room number two on November 17, and he doesn’t like to be second guessed. You ask me if I have a God complex. Let me tell you something: I am God.

In a situation where there is no righteous person, try to be a righteous person.

I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20 years ago. When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, “Where are they all going to go? It’s not like you need a computer in every doorknob!” Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the room keys had been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors. There was a computer in every doorknob.

What people mean by the word technology is the stuff that doesn’t work yet.

People only called for my public execution a couple times. On the internet, that’s the equivalent of winning an Oscar, so thanks everyone!

By many measures, the Web reached the vast-wasteland stage faster than any other communication medium in human history; yet Web site designers’ ability to make the screen jump and shimmy is progressing so fast that we still find the test patterns diverting.

Germans who wish to use firearms should join the SS or the SA - ordinary citizens don’t need guns, as their having guns doesn’t serve the State.

I’m not sure which upsets me more: that people are so unwilling to accept responsibility for their own actions, or that they are so eager to regulate everyone else’s.

Every day the New York Times carries a motto in a box on its front page. ‘All the News That’s Fit to Print,’ it says. It’s been saying it for decades, day in and day out. I imagine that most readers of the canonical sheet have long ceased to notice this bannered and flaunted symbol of its mental furniture. I myself check every day to make sure the bright, smug, pompous, idiotic claim is still there. Then I check to make sure that it still irritates me. If I can still exclaim, under my breath, why do they insult me, and what do they take me for and what the hell is it supposed to mean unless it’s as obviously complacent and conceited and censorious as it seems to be, then at least I know that I still have a pulse. You may wish to choose a more rigorous mental workout but I credit this daily infusion of annoyance with extending my life span.

England has already lost the war. It is only a matter of having the intelligence to admit it.

The great masses of the people … will more easily fall victims to a great lie than to a small one.

no, I’m playing the linux users’ second favorite game, “Who lobotomized my god damned linker?”

Imagine the staggering expense to properly reintroduce all those cows back into their natural habitat. You’d need to teach them how to forage for food at dumpsites and campgrounds. Instill in them basic survival skills like fleeing from their natural enemy, the flying saucer. And hire thousands of surrogate bulls for bovine sex education.

good thing I bought more gin last night. Just in time to deal with this HAIRY NOTES PROBLEM.

There is one chapter that keeps repeating itself in this valley, and that’s Chapter 11.

And so, the best of my advice to the originators and designers of Ada has been ignored. In this last resort, I appeal to you, representatives of the programming profession in the United States, and citizens concerned with the welfare and safety of your own country and of mankind: Do not allow this language in its present state to be used in applications where reliability is crucial, i.e., nuclear power stations, cruise missiles, early warning systems, antiballistic missile defense systems. The next rocket to go astray as a result of a programming language error may not be an exploratory space rocket on a harmless trip to Venus: it may be a nuclear warhead exploding over one of our own cities. An unreliable programming language generating unreliable programs constitutes a far greater risk to our environment and to our society than unsafe cars, toxic pesticides, or accidents at nuclear power stations. Be vigilant to reduce the risk, not to increase it.

There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.

You know, when you want to circumvent the existing install checker on the average PC upgrade edition of a product, you usually have to murk around with the registry or apply cracks with non-standard install methods… things that would confuse the average joe newby pirate. But on the Mac OS, you can crack your software with just a single drag of the mouse! Now that’s what I call UI innovation. It’s not easy being green. It takes way more food coloring than you’d think.

Democratic or otherwise, rarely, very rarely, does any concentration of power or wealth desire to see subjects well informed, truly educated, their privacy ensured or their discourse uninhibited.

I’ve finally figured out what’s wrong with photography. It’s a one-eyed man looking through a little hole. Now, how much reality can there be in that?

Louder Tunes == Better Code

When the only hammer you have is C++, the whole world looks like a thumb.

Did I ever tell you people how much I hate the word ‘meh’? Nothing announces ‘I have missed the point’ more than that word.

I am beginning to write C programs, but I am unable to run them. After I enter ‘cc name.c’ I get the ‘a.out’ file. How can I execute it?

I’m going to fix this thing if it kills you.

The last good thing written in C was Franz Schubert’s Symphony number 9.

You’ve just had a heavy day commanding a starship. You’ve fought Klingons off the starboard bow, kept your ship from being blown up many times, and generally worked yourself into a stupor. Now comes LOG time. You deserve more then just LOG, you deserve CAPTAIN’S LOG!

I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.

In a time of drastic change it is the learners who inherit the future. The learned usually find themselves equipped to live in a world that no longer exists.

The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.

Any computer project will take twice as long as you think it will even when you take into account Hofstadter’s law.

Irrationality is the square root of all evil.

To know recursion, you must first know recursion

Who needs script kiddies when you have backhoes?

All anime have one required stupid annoying character. For those that don’t, C-Ko more than makes up.

As always, for my birthday, its a surprise party, so don’t tell me about it. I want to be surprised.

I don’t really see much in taking a woman and pushing her down a mountain in a scud missile

It’s netnews… It’s not supposed to be up.

Isn’t it obvious… it is portable… I mean why buy the new GI Joe doll, when you already have the old one? it has kung fu grip! *BONUS*

Oh you’ve had an Eat'n Park experience? You’re practically brothers!

Umm… it’s not in my quote file, so i don’t remember it.

Waitaminit! Why are we following the Tarka??

You only know a hacker respects you if he’s willing to waste his time shooting holes in your ideas.

It is well to remember that the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

Never tell a young person that anything cannot be done. God may have been waiting for centuries for somebody ignorant enough of the impossible to do that very thing.

The universe is not hostile, nor yet is it friendly. It is simply indifferent.

Man’s mind, stretched to a new idea, never goes back to its original dimensions.

It is a capital mistake to theorize before you have all the evidence. It biases the judgment.

A well-balanced breakfast is an important start to a good ressurection.

Yes folks it has a VGA monitor, 40 MEG hard drive, and a 2400 baud modem…. You know, folks the BAUD modems are the best kind!

Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds.

Notice: we do not condone the use of violence, but we do feel compelled, for reasons of historical accuracy, to point out that it has been employed in the past with notable effectiveness.

Jim was in his seventh year as a grad student at UC Berkeley, while I was unemployed. In other words, Jim spent all his time playing pool and riding his motorcycles, while I went out and partied a lot.

The internet is like alcohol, there’s lots of it, and it makes you stupid.

You are in a dark room with a compiler, emacs, an internet connection, and a thermos of coffee. Your move?

I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.

I can give you supreme executive authority to bite my ass.

I just thought I’d come over and point out that you’re white. Just so you’d know.

You forget that the exploitation is a one way street - it’s corporate policy.

Poor people are crazy. I’m eccentric.

In pioneer days they used oxen for heavy pulling, and when one ox couldn’t budge a log, they didn’t try to grow a larger ox. We shouldn’t be trying for bigger computers, but for more systems of computers.

Life was simple before World War II. After that, we had systems.

At a certain point in the process, no credit will be given for predicting rain. The only credit will be for helping to build an ark.

Don’t bother with licensing. Just work for us.

If someone tries to come in that door, I don’t want you to hurt him. Kill him.

Dot-com people work for start-ups injected with large Silicon Valley coin, they have options, they talk options, they dream options. They have IPOs. They’re richer after four months of “web” work than many web people who’ve been doing it since the beginning. They don’t have personal sites. They don’t want personal sites. They don’t get personal sites. They don’t get personal. Web people can tell you the first site they ever saw, they can tell you the moment they knew: This, This Is It, I Will Do This. And they pour themselves into the web, with stories, with designs, with pictures. They create things worth looking at, worth reading, worth coveting, worth envying, worth loving. They create Beautiful Things. We need more of those.

Bill Gates says no matter how much more power we can supply, he’ll develop some really exciting software that will bring the machine to its knees.

Telecom is dead. The fad lasted 107 years but let’s face it, please just don’t want to communicate anymore.

Americans detest all lies except lies spoken in public or printed lies.

It turns out at least one of the roads to hell is paved with yesterday’s infrastructure.

To escape criticism – do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

While I’m sure almost none of us know exactly what that means, I’m sure it’s going into a quotes file somewhere…

Beauty is only skin deep, but it’s a valuable asset if you’re poor or haven’t any sense.

The way to make money is to start your own religion.

Two things are of paramount importance in Scientology. They are WIN and LOSE.

A man has to live with himself, and he should see to it that he always has good company.“

I think we already run that BoF, but it’s known as "The Bar”

An invasion of armies can be resisted, but not an idea whose time has come.

I don’t mind what Congress does, as long as they don’t do it in the streets and frighten the horses.

Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent.

“Where’s Walden?”- Alas, the challenge of locating Henry David Thoreau in each richly-detailed drawing loses its appeal when it quickly becomes clear that he is always in the woods.

…it is not reason which carries the prize, but eloquence; and no man needs ever despair of gaining proselytes to the most extravagant hypothesis, who has art enough to represent it in any favourable colours. The victory is not gained by the men at arms, who manage the pike and the sword, but by the trumpeters, drummers, and musicians of the army.

Fast, fat computers breed slow, lazy programmers.

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.

It swims through a sublogical fantasy world where there are no rules that can’t be violated by the set designer, where everybody is really thin and beautiful and wears really cool clothes, and where death is everywhere.

The West won the world not by the superiority of its ideas or values or religion (to which few members of other civilizations were converted) but rather by its superiority in applying organized violence. Westerners often forget this fact; non-Westerners never do.

The standard you walk past is the standard you accept.

Actual happiness always looks pretty squalid in comparison with the overcompensations for misery.

Everyone who knows how to read has it in their power to magnify themselves, to multiply the ways in which they exist, to make their life full, significant, and interesting.

You can only be independant of God while you’ve got youth and prosperity; independance won’t take you safely to the end.

Of course the Microsoft Office of text editors is GNU Emacs and if you know it you want it and if you don’t you should know you don’t have time to. Personally I can’t get thru a day without the symbolic algebra system in the calculator.

been there. don’t want to do it again. LIVE GEEKY OR DIE.