Quotes: e

AHEM. MAY I REMIND Mr. Martinez: One of the three core principles of a perl hacker is LAZINESS. You, Sir, have SINNED. Don’t try to deny it. Your penence SHALL BE: Ten Perl haiku (to be judged on artistic merit, but must also be legal Perl (as implemented by perl5), though they need not actually do anything useful once compiled).

Boy, my office sure is quiet NOW THAT MY HP IS DEAD AS A ROCK.

can’t - hold - entire - code - structure - in - head - *pop*!

Cheer up, Sam! When I return from my quest, I shall bring that most holy and rare of texts: Windows NT 5.0 beta 1 cds! Guaranteed to make you long for your old NT4 problems…

Coming up with a Cool Name is the hardest part of writing a new program.

Compaq was founded by a farmer. Or is it just a coincidence that their definition of “customer service” seems to come from it’s use in animal husbandry?

Due to unforeseen circumstances, Rob Earhart will not be able to perform today; in his absence, your standard bitterness, angst, and controversial statements on the unhinged list will be provided by Chris Hanson. We apologize for the inconvenience.

Every few minutes I stumble into some bogosity in SML, and compose a rant, and wipe it because I’m pretty sure no one cares.

FedEx: when your packet absolutely, positively, has to get there THE NEXT DAY.

Get Purify. (I’m 99% sure there’s an NT version…) … or get Rob a new brain, since that’s a compiletime error, not runtime. grn. uh, try a new compiler?

God: Santa Claus for adults.

“Hey, Rocky, watch me cast something to a virtual base and have it come through unchanged so that I can still tweak internal values by knowing their offsets!” “That trick… uh, sometimes works, but don’t do it!” “Nothing up my sleeve…” ConstantFnoob::ConstantFnoob: this is 0x100847a8 “Presto!” Fnoob::Create: created: fnoob is 0x100847c0 “Guess I’d better get a better compiler.” “And now, here’s something we hope will actually work!”

“Hey, Rocky, watch this horribly convoluted code I just spent all day writing compile cleanly on the very first try!” “Again? That trick *never* works!” “Presto!” CC: BLEAH! “Guess I’d better get a different compiler.” “And now for something we hope you’ll *really* like!”

how the hell did the contrib www server ever compile? god, this code is hideous; half of it doesn’t work anyway. what drugs was i on? what’s *really* running on my machine? wow.

I don’t just “live in interesting times”; I’m the mayor of the place. The chief of state. The patron saint.

I guess I’d rather see machines properly administered, and software properly written; there *are* times when you want incoming connections, for instance. I’d also like a pony.

i’m fully convinced that the two best tools for writing code are purify and a case of guinness. (well, not really; it seems like good quotefile fodder, though. actually, i wouldn’t be surprised if this made it in, too.)

I’m generously assuming the guy was on E. If that was his normal personality, I hate him even more.

I’m obviously the James Joyce of computer programming.

i’m up at 3:40 in the morning because i can’t get back to sleep after waking up from a dream in which i was recompiling my kitten with #define DISABLE_SHARP_CLAWS and #define NO_TRACK_CAT_LITTER.

I’ve been feeling quite depressed lately. So Dan says I should see this movie; something called “The Wall.” Anyone know what it’s about?

I’ve got your signal RIGHT HERE.

if god meant for us to program, he’s a sadist.

In the information age, the greatest gift you can give your baby is a unique name and a web site.

life is cool, netscape blows

lo, i am lame

Look, dude, I jump out of planes for kicks. Going half as fast just for the thrill of wondering whether or not four rubber balloons will actually manage to keep me on the road instead of sliding off the edge and dying is reasonably cool, but more horsepower isn’t gonna make it cooler…

Look, if you didn’t insist on using HTTP to walk your dog, maybe you wouldn’t get screwed by it so often.

MS is just the biggest/most visible target. MS’s products suck in some ways; so do everyone’s; people’re just much more likely to have had to deal with MS products. I was an Ultrix/SunOS/Solaris/HPUX/IRIX/Linux sysadmin for years, I’ve used several other varieties of Unix a lot (Mach, AIX, &c), I’ve done Mac dev, and now I’ve had my fingers deep in NT. I’ve programmed in dozens of languages, seen an incredible variety of systems, and used countless applications. Everything Sucks.

of course, *my* favorite debugger is my good friend, Mr. `#define DEBUG(msg, args…) fprintf(stderr, “%d: ” __FUNCTION__ “: ” \ msg “\n”, LWP_Index() , ## args)`

oops. excuse me. i used tcl. i understand that’s passe these days, and that REAL cs people use python now. sorry.

Oops. For penance, I shall recite three SASLs, a POP3-AUTH, and an LMTP.

So the guys [trying to use NT] with the alpha are whining. They selected ‘reset system to factory defaults.’ It erased the disk.

SQL makes one feel like a “traditional” housewife: it does a lot of heavy work for you, and brings home the bacon, but you gotta prepare to get screwed every so often.

The problem with totally gratuitous amounts of hardware is that it can be arbitrarily taken away.

Today, we’ve secretly replaced all of Rob’s chars with unsigned chars. Now, let’s wash the code, and see if anyone notices.

Try Nyquil! “We actually don’t have a clue as to how to make things better, so we’ll do things the old-fashioned way: 100-proof”

2400 isn’t net access, it’s purgatory

vector.h: Yikes - evil macro hell!

Wait, I thought yinz used Linux? Why aren’t highly skilled programmers popping out of the woodwork to make this thing work?

Well, come ON. You’re in CA, you know how to TURN ON a computer, are you going to go work for the freakin’ DMV? No, you’re going to go work for some STARTUP and make a couple billion dollars and whine about how those jerks at the DMV can’t get their systems computerized properly.

Women wonder why men aren’t romantic; it’s like wondering why your wonderfully playful dog who you kicked in the head last night when it tried to greet you at the door is looking rather sullen.

Wow, you’re a masochist. Why not use “`perl -p -i.old -e ‘s/GIF/gif/g; s/JPG/jpg/g; s/^M//g; s/.htm/.html/g;’ sld\*.htm; rename ‘s/.htm$/.html/’ sld\*.htm`”?

…wrote lots of hash table code last night. only it’s not just hash table code. it works with lightweight threads. i think if it werent’ for the anti-cold medicine, i never would’ve been able to visualize the way the locks neeed to intertwine to work correctly. it’ll be amusing to see if the code’s readable when i’m awake again.

Yeah! I should exchange keys with all the west-coasters while I’m out here, and then I can exchange keys with all the east-coasters, and as long as you all believe that I’m sufficiently anal-retentive, we can encrypt everything! Or something.

you’re never done overoptimizing.

Your silence speaks volumes, or if not volumes, at least the occasional unpunctuated paragraph.

Freaky Boys never actually have sex with anybody. They just think about it then go to McDonald’s and kill a lot of people.

I am looking for Henry Miller. I think he has stolen my life. It is my life he is leading, stumbling around with - French people and eating roots with the natives. Those roots he eats are my roots - my family roots. He devours them with gusto, with a verve and a nerve that excludes me from the action. After searching high and low, I spy him engaged in the usual drunken debauchery, and call him out. “Henry,” I shout, “put down the oranges of Heronimus Bosch and let’s fight to the death like caged animals. With your command of the native tongue, linguistic dexterity and your prose, so generously peppered with obscenities, you should trounce me like an old lady. That’s some kind of funny life you are leading - I wonder who you stole it from.”

Wasn’t it Sheila E., that drummer woman who danced with Prince with such reckless abandon - aren’t her words the fountainhead of all our problems? These words are the source from which all flows and to which all returns. She is indeed both the Tigris and the Euphradites.

I already have a guilty conscience… I might as well have the money too.

I have strong feelings about gun control. If there’s a gun around, I want to be controlling it.

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.

If you call yourself a Designer, quit design, take up a new occupation (like tax auditor), buy some non-black clothes, normal-sized glasses, burn your AIGA card, and do design only as a hobby for awhile. Seriously.

I returned and saw under the sun, that the race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happen to them all.

Science is not a sacred cow. Science is a horse. Don’t worship it. Feed it.

Everyone is a freshman at one point. A few grow out of it.

No matter what your opinion, every review should give some idea of what the reader would experience in actually seeing the film. In other words, if it is a Pauly Shore comedy, there are people who like them, and they should be able to discover in your review if the new one is down to their usual standard.

Only an idiot doesn’t go into his e-mail preferences and specify Plain Text instead of HTML. This is such a sane use of resources I believe it was actually mentioned in the Kyoto Accord.

“Pearl Harbor” is a two-hour movie squeezed into three hours, about how on Dec. 7, 1941, the Japanese staged a surprise attack on an American love triangle. Its centerpiece is 40 minutes of redundant special effects, surrounded by a love story of stunning banality. The film has been directed without grace, vision, or originality, and although you may walk out quoting lines of dialog, it will not be because you admire them.

Sam Mendes’ “Away We Go” is a film for nice people to see. Nice people also go to “Terminator Salvation,” but it doesn’t make them any nicer.

That he will pay extra for star quality is proven by the presence of Ron Jeremy as Clark, the co-star of the movie he is making. Jeremy, for those not willing to admit they know who he is, has been in more porn films than anyone else. His popularity is easily explained: Every man alive believes that any woman would prefer him to Ron Jeremy.

The clothing of the characters and the absence of cars and telephones and suchlike suggest either the 1890s, or an Amish community. Everyone speaks as if they had studied “Friendly Persuasion.” The chief civic virtues are probity and circumspection. Here is a village that desperately needs an East Village.

The movie stars Johnny Knoxville, from ‘Jackass,’ Seann William Scott, from ‘American Wedding,’ and Jessica Simpson, from Mars. Judging by her recent conversation on TV with Dean Richards, Simpson is so remarkably uninformed that she should sue the public schools of Abilene, Texas, or maybe they should sue her.

Super Touring? What’s that? I always have a bit of a problem with that name. You mean Hertz?

“Brilliant,” says the professor. “Very finely put. But I didn’t quite understand it. Could you repeat it?” I write the sentence down in my notebook, like everyone else in the seminar. “The ode must traverse the problem of solipsism before it can approach participating in the unity which is no longer accessible.” When I have pieced it together, I realise he is talking nonsense. I am struck by the thought that literary criticism - at least as it is practised here - is a hoax.

The real hero is always a hero by mistake; he dreams of being an honest coward like everybody else.

The terminal death of the universe is not for tomorrow.

In the issues of December 16th 2000 to November 10th 2001, we may have given the impression that George Bush had been legally and duly elected president of the United States. We now understand that this may have been incorrect, and that the election result is still too close to call. The Economist apologises for any inconvenience.

The Economist reviewed Mr Stiglitz’s book in our issue of June 8th. This column will not review it again-though it is necessary, by way of declaring an interest, to give a flavour. We said that the book was not about globalisation, as it claimed to be; that its criticisms of the Fund were poorly argued; that it was muddled and badly written; that its tone was unbearably self-righteous; that the policies it proposed were in important instances unworkable; and that it made reckless accusations of personal misconduct that were completely unwarranted. Aside from that, we quite liked it.

The trouble with this view is, er, the facts.

I doubt my getting fired from the Dairy Queen is a bellwether of recession, but it sure is a bellwether of I stuck my wang in the butterscotch.

I do not believe that any type of religion should ever be introduced into the public schools of the United States.

I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.

If we all did the things we were capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves.

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.

There ain’t no rules around here. We’re trying to accomplish something.

To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.

One hundred rounds do not constitute fire power. One hit constitutes fire power.

A little learning is a dangerous thing but a lot of ignorance is just as bad.

About the only people who don’t quarrel over religion are the people who don’t have any.

The acid test is whether you take any pleasure in responding to the question, “What do you do?” I can’t bear it. That’s the danger of midtown Manhattan, running into far more successful contemporaries.

The only way I can lose this election is if I’m caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy.

Oh come on now. The minor deities are so eager to please, and the major ones have backlogs out to the end of time. Pray to your favorite minor deity - you won’t be sorry.

Mav is in his 3rd hour of conciousness and his 3543546709565245713987431th hour of confusion.

I’m nostalgic for conversations I had yesterday. I’ve begun reminiscing events before they even occur. I’m reminiscing this right now. I can’t go to the bar because I’ve already looked back on it in my memory…and I didn’t have a good time.

Despite rumors to the contrary, I want to mention that I abhor violence in all its forms. It always leads to having to fill forms in triplicate, and I got sick at that when they pulled form 34-C12 from the archives, just for me.

A man’s ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear and punshiment and hope of reward after death.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not more so.

Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.

He (or she) to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead.

He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.

I am not interested in this phenomenon or that phenomenon. I want to know God’s thoughts - the rest are mere details.

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.

I want to know the thoughts of God; the rest are details.

If A equal success, then the formula is A equals X plus Y and Z, with X being work, Y play, and Z keeping your mouth shut.

If at first the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it.

If relativity is proved right the Germans will call me a German, the Swiss call me a Swiss citizen, and the French will call me a great scientist. If relativity is proved wrong the French will call me a Swiss, the Swiss will call me a German, and the Germans will call me a Jew.

Imagination is more important than knowledge.

Now he has departed from this strange world a little ahead of me. That means nothing. People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.

Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.

So far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain. And so far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.

The important thing is never to stop questioning.

The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of consistency.

The physicist’s greatest tool is his wastebasket.

The release of atom power has changed everything except our way of thinking…the solution to this problem lies in the heart of mankind. If only I had known, I should have become a watchmaker.

The tragedy of life is what dies inside a man while he lives.

The World is not dangerous because of those who do harm but because of those who look at it without doing anything.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.

When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, you think it’s only a minute. But when you sit on a hot stove for a minute, you think it’s two hours. That’s relativity.

You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.

Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is humanity hanging on a cross of iron.

I think that people want peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of the way and let them have it.

Humility must always be the portion of any man who receives acclaim earned in blood of his followers and sacrifices of his friends. Conceivably a commander may have been professionally superior. He may have given everything of his heart and mind to meet the spiritual and physical needs of his comrades. He may have written a chapter that will glow forever in the pages of military history. Still, even such a man-if he existed-would sadly face the fact that his honors cannot hide in his memories the crosses marking the resting places of the dead. They cannot soothe the anguish of the widow or the orphan whose husband or father will not return. The only attitude in which a commander may with satisfaction receive the tributes of his friends is in the humble acknowledgment that no matter how unworthy he may be, his position is the symbol of great human forces that have labored arduously and successfully for a righteous cause.

Listen, there is no courage or any extra courage that I know of to find out the right thing to do. Now, it is not only necessary to do the right thing, but to do it in the right way and the only problem you have is what is the right thing to do and what is the right way to do it. That is the problem.

Neither the wise man nor a brave man lies down on the tracks of history to wait for the train of the future to run over them.

Planning is everything; plans are nothing.

The killer app for the computer industry is piracy.

Some stupid bugs have been replaced by newer ones.

My father is Palestinian which explains my violent tendencies and my mom is Irish which explains my violent tendencies as well.

It seems the Israelis refuse to miss an opportunity to say the Palestinians never miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity.

I think the great lesson of the 20th century is that you have to separate the ethics from the aestetics…The great lesson there is that you don’t have to agree with what the Nazis did, but, yes, be honest about it, they did have the best uniforms. A lot of people can’t come to terms with something as banal as that.

If you design systems as though your immortal soul depended on them, then you will tend to build more reliable systems.

The way I lost weight … was to be unemployed and deeply depressed, sleep through breakfast and lunch, and have very little money to buy dinner. Will power was not an issue.

Why waste negative entropy on comments, when you could use the same entropy to create bugs instead?

So what’s the opposite of the Constitution?

I suppose some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

I did a Taco Bell commercial where I just sort of bopped around, eating a taco in this crowd having a big party in a Taco Bell parking lot. I think the extras got paid in burritos. Then that Chihuahua came along and stole all our jobs.

There are all these different religions. What are they all arguing about? Market share!

My philosophy of life is that the meek shall inherit nothing but debasement, frustration, and ignoble deaths…

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

Your children use drugs, and you told them to do it. You’ve been pushing chemicals on TV for years: “Can’t sleep? Take a drug. Not happy? Take a drug.” … Where in the world did people get the idea that it’s smart to get in a car and go fast? To get in a 4x4 and tear up virgin land. You told them to do it. As much as you’re subject to the whims of your deranged clients, you rule the world. You have the reins to the most powerful medium in the world - television. And the only people who can afford to advertise on television are the lowest common denominator of goods … stuff like McDonald’s toad burgers.

As you know, we take requests for terminations very seriously. Yours was no exception. In our continuing efforts to provide the very best customer service to out-of-state clients, your request has been granted. The requested subject was taken behind the barn and shot.

As MySQL has proven for many years, using a variant of SQL with extremely limited isolation level support does not make you a RDBMS. As MySQL has also proven, it does make you liable to make sweeping claims of speed for oversimplified queries.

I think at one point Craig thought I was going to shoot his dog. I love animals. If Craig and the dog were standing next to each other, trust me – I have one bullet – it wouldn’t be for the dog. Our PR people are now having heart attacks.

It was an adolescent prank. I highly recommend it.

The computer industry is the only industry that is more fashion-driven than women’s fashion. Maybe I’m an idiot, but I have no idea what anyone is talking about. What is it? It’s complete gibberish.

We’ve had three major generations of computing: mainframes, client/server and Internet computing. There will be no new architecture for computing for the next 1,000 years.“

Why does Woodside have lots of rich people driving pickup trucks? Late-model, clean pickup trucks with leather seats, they’ve got cachet, as in: ‘I’m not a materialistic person and I can prove it – I drive a pickup truck.’ Trouble is, for me, I need a back seat for my kids, my briefcase, my topcoat and, you know, the $4 million in cash that people think I drive around with.

The goal isn’t to see whether I can pass this through the executive board of the Brookings Institution. I’m passing it through the United States Congress with people who represent constituents. I’m sure there are a lot of people sitting in the shade at the Aspen Institute — my brother being one of them — who will tell you what the ideal plan is. Great, fascinating. You have the art of the possible measured against the ideal.

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines. With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do.

Beware when the great God lets loose a thinker on this planet. Then all things are at risk. It is as when a conflagration has broken out in a great city, and no man knows what is safe, or where it will end.

Do not go where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path, and leave a trail.

He walks abreast with his days, and feels no shame in not ‘studying a profession,’ for he does not postpone his life, but lives already. He has not one chance, but a hundred chances.

Heroism feels and never reasons, and therefore is always right.

I hate quotations.

It is easy in the world to live after the world’s opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.

Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.

only in our easy, simple, spontaneous action are we strong.

Society never advances. It recedes as fast on one side as it gains on the other. For every thing that is given, something is taken. Society aquires new arts, and looses old instincts…The civilized man has built a coach, but has lost the use of his feet …His notebooks impair his memory; his libraries overload his wit; the insurance office increases the number of accidents; and it may be a question whether machinery does not encumber; whether we have not lost by refinement some energy, by a Christianity entrenched in establishments and forms, some vigor of wild virtue….The arts and inventions of each period are only its costume, and do not invigorate men. The harm of the improved machinery may compensate its good.

The solar system has no anxiety about its reputation.

The true poem is in the poet’s mind; the true ship is the ship-builder.

To be great is to be misunderstood.

Words are also actions, and actions are a kind of words.

It is a statistical impossibility that everyone in the neighborhood can be a complete butthead.

Mass times momentum? What the *hell* is that?

A friend who was working at the Microsoft booth said that a number of people had come up and asked to see it but that (a) the people working at the Microsoft booth were Mac folks and (b) they didn’t want to be tarred and feathered, an activity of some historical note in Boston.

Naturally, we went the wacky capitalization route, though we admit that it takes hard work, not just wacky capitalization, to make for a super-cool product.

the only thing vaguely scary about today’s youth culture is its unprecedented purchasing power

Yes, the recovery is everywhere! You can see it! Feel it! Smell it! Even vote for it…

It takes but one to make a war, not two, and those who do not have swords may still die upon them.

First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do.

The truth is out there. Over behind that rock. Oh, wait. It moved. GET IT!!!

… and we’re doing it in such a way that we don’t need to know why we’re doing it…

Life is like a Wankel Engine. In between the emptiness of boredom and despair, and the compression of stress in one’s life, there’s that one spark of enjoyment that keeps you going.

We must free ourselves from the prison of public education and politics.

Well, the first 98% of the project takes the first 98% of the time. The other 2% of the project takes the other 98% of the time.

It matters not how strait the gate / How charged with punishments the scroll / I am the master of my fate: / I am the captain of my soul.

A girl with a future avoids the man with a past.

You have four years to escape CMU. If you do not escape… you become staff.

Flame walks in to the Sabbat’s meeting place and is immediately blasted with enough lead to drop a tank. He seems to enjoy that kind of thing.

Give me a couple of Uzis, a 44 Magnum, a couple grenades, a USAS 20 automatic shotgun with napalm and explosive rounds, and… a crossbow.

Never noticed huge numbers of Sabbat taking over the Washington Monument before. I guess you miss these things when you’re a mortal.

Seeing that the criminal justice system was not defending my rights, I released myself into my own custody.

Go in pieces.

nevermind, that just answered my own question. if i can’t shoot her, i’ll sleep with her.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child….eventually.

A peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and a mug of Jasmine tea. What more could a man want besides this and incredible wealth?

Boy, when you go to vote, make sure not to flip your coin up so high that the other people see it, and make sure you catch it and don’t have to go crawling around on the floor looking for it while hundreds of waiting voters snicker or you’ll be really embarassed.

Dear lord, please grant me the skill and ammunition to kill everyone who deserves to be killed, the judgment to pass over those who don’t, and the wisdom to ignore the difference and just kill everybody.

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it can consume your father if you’re not careful.

Here’s a hint. When you think your code to exec a shell function is just not working, never, repeat NEVER send it “/etc/reboot” just to see what happens.

I have come to the decision that “user-friendly” is basically a mistake because it allows any idiot to use a computer. Just like automatic transmissions are a mistake for the same reason. Also books on tape, instant coffee, and disposable pens, but I digress.

I’ve just about had it with this ‘kinkier than thou’ attitude.

I shot Jon and all I got was his bloody tshirt.

Isn’t that cool? I mean, if think you committed a crime, they can only hold you for 24 hours without pressing charges, but if they just say, “He’s nuts!” they can hold you for five times that; they just have to do it in a different building with “orderlies” instead of “guards.” Moral: If you’re going to be locked up, make sure it’s for something you did, not something you thought.

Just because *you’re* not a member of the conspiracy, doesn’t mean the conspiracy isn’t *cool*.

Like this topic hasn’t been endlessly killed by the weiners on the “pgh.food” newsgroup. The two camps of opinion are basically these: It’s not authentic, I don’t care.

Nothing beats playing DOOM on the plane. Except maybe if I could video conference with the babe up in row 8.

Quark is the Satan’s Pitchfork of the magazine world.

…some of the newer beepers also have a vibra-mode. Don’t keep these in your pants-pocket, kids. ‘…I’m *so* glad you called.’

Stock market prognosticators and tea leaves: Two things that I’m happy to see in hot water.

The rhetoric of the pedagogy of the opressed really bites my weenie.

While Federated’s mail seems to be working, I will send a quick message to prove I am still alive. Help! I’m trapped in a huge financial company with intermittent email! Send MIS professionals immediately!

After long thought, I and several of my friends came to the conclusion that this was designed to prevent cheating. I won’t comment on that: The idea that a CMU student could not cheat if they wanted to is more insulting than the implication that they would.

Hey! This is *my* cluster. *I* get to beat the users.

There is no career mileage in being right.

Last week, based on our spending patterns, Quicken asked if I wanted to schedule a recurring payment to Tippy’s Taco House.

When will Microsoft “embrace & extend” porn?

“Will Elizabeth say Yes?” is a rhetorical question. If it’s a romance novel, Elizabeth will say Yes. If it’s horror, Elizabeth will say No, and will spend the rest of the book being chased by her rejected suitor and his axe. If it’s literary fiction, Elizabeth will say Yes, but will die of cancer.

Nothing great has ever been accomplished without irrational exuberance.