Quotes: anonymous

18,000 dollars a year and all I’ve I got to show for it is an Andrew account and no sleep.

a scene is a collection of sexual references that masquerades as an art support group

After decades of careful research on the possible uses of the Internet, we were still unprepared for anything as pointless as IRC.

All the surrealist stuff with naked women, with a few exceptions, gets me really angry. So much of it is obviously, ‘Let us look at naked ladies while pretending to shock you by exposing your mind to the naked breast!’

Allow me to begin. Imagine the mezzanine level between Squalor and Gutter, join me, if you will, in the gentle transition between the Eighth and Ninth Circle of Hell. Milkman Dan has been invited several times, but has declined on the pretext of “early morning roadkill cookoffs”. Only the hopeless, the deranged, and the existential need apply. Thank you. No chips are needed here, he’s already got a floor.

although many people do enjoy going to eat'n park before, after, and i daresay during sex, it is possible to enjoy eat'n park even when no sex is involved.

An economist is someone who after seeing something that works in practice, asks if it can also work in theory.

And it’s not development’s fault–the corporate management infrastructure seems to have worse checks and balances than a pre-school lemonade stand.

And when you beg to lick my killing floor, be sure to bring your Mastercard, because I will take your soul, but I won’t take American Express.

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. In bed!

anyone who says that gratuitous sex is no substitute for gratuitous violence obviously hasn’t had enough gratuitous sex

art and science are the same basic fabric, just in art you tend to arrive at important developments without the need for documentation on how you got there

Be careful of your thoughts, for your thoughts become your words; Be careful of your words, for your words become your deeds; Be careful of your deeds, for your deeds become your habits; Be careful of your habits, for your habits become your character; Be careful of your character, for your character becomes your destiny.

been there, done that, got the death threats

Black’s Law Dictionary defines “pro se” as “Appearing for oneself, as in the case of one who does not retain a lawyer and appears for himself in court.” Judges define “pro se” as “idiot.”

Bush announced that “because no child should be the result of experimentation, we must ban cloning.” Wait a minute. Half the population of texas exists because of “experimentation,” much of it in the back seat of a car.

But, of course, both you and I know that our words our meaningless and we only speak them to hint at the dark and deranged undercurrent, which can never be named.

By the way, you must be in a furry. The beginning of your sentense does not read properly.

Call his bluff. If you’re lucky you’ll get to see his entire life flashing before his lies.

Can we have the homework due Wednesday? The game’s Sunday night… there are going to be some riots… I play to participate…

Dear L. L. Bean, please rename the color choice for mens’ boxers to something other than ‘cream.’ Many thanks.

Delaying Win 98 would be like throwing sand in the anal lubricant. It would not change anything, just make it a bit more painful for Gates and the customers preparing themselves.

Do you suffer for your ART? Then try Andre Breton’s “PAIN BE GONE”

Everybody who’s vested is too busy lighting cigars and tipping hookers to comment.

eYe aM kn0wn t0 uTher 16 yeaR 0ldz aZ thEE eMUl8r

Finding a girlfriend isn’t about auditioning women for the role; it’s about finding someone you care enough about to write the role for.

Greg [will be the first to mention unhinged in a national forum (newspaper, tv; not web)]. At my impeachment hearings. The rest of you will lie under oath to avoid being associated with me.

grrrrr…… grumble grumble…. shoot….. 50 ft….. dime….. i can do just that with YOUR head which is MUCH MUCH larger than a DIME!!!!!!

Hey, if Shawn were here, everything we said would wind up on graffiti.quotes tomorrow.

hollow tipped bullets are really neat when they BLOW THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD OFF!!!!

I am gayer than a cocaine tupperware party

I can see it now: Our drives will give you the capacity to continue to store all that old data in addition to all your new data. The new Segate Information Buttplug 1 terabyte drive - the data goes in, but it never comes out. “The constipation of success”

I can see the indifference curve from here.

I don’t care enough about my purity score to have sex with a dead animal in a ground-based vehicle weighing more than 5,000 pounds while i’m driving.

I don’t know what my problem with women is.. I’ve tried getting bigger shoes, but it doesn’t help.

I feel so… dirty… I’m currently using DOS, instead of my old faithful Linux, and I really hate the standard DOS font. I feel like a cheap whore. NO COMMENTS

I had more thoughts over the weekend but I forgot them because they were at a party and I was busy staring at some girl’s legs.

i have a persistent object…in my pants!!

i have my doubts that the evening will wind up with us together unless … the first words out of her mouth are “i” and “apologize” in that order

I have Slack. I had a 0 GPA at midsemester in the spring, and Laughed at it.

I have Slack. The cars can’t hit me. Or kill me.

I have Win95 on my computer. I’m not wowed, but neither have I been adversely affected. But, then, my geekdom is limited to minor modifications of pine, same with Eudora, and a few lines of html. So for me, Microsoft is the reclusive serial killer down the hallway with whom I am not intimately involved enough to be explicitly aware of the damage he’s doing. I just sit home and eat my steak tartar quietly.

i haven’t slept since the 1st test. i should stay awake and take the 3rd tonight, proving you can condense a semester into 3 days with no sleep. on second thought, i have nothing to prove, and there’s a bottle of tequila and a futon with my name on ‘em

I just saw my insurance rates pass before my eyes.

I know the name of Rob’s Planet. It’s called Vaporware. That’s because all the developers are so busy putting the kitchen sink into their products that no one ever ships anything. Ever.

i suffer for art. or from it, rather.

I take all major forms of death.

I wasn’t looking for 'Mrs. Right’, or even ‘Mrs. Right Now’, but more for ‘Mrs. Right Here Buddy’.

I think I’ll post ten messages to alt.bitterness. And 10 more to comp.unix.wizards, all saying ‘I’m a UNIX wizard, I got this newsreader I just wrote working perfectly.’

I think that’s reason enough to go BeOS and give up Linux. How much sex does the average Linux user get? I just did a poll of Be developers I know. They get a lot. I don’t think it has anything to do with sex appeal though. It has to do with time. Linux users sit and play with themselves while recompiling their kernel. Be users leave that job to Brian “no-dual-Celerons-TYVM” Swetland at Be and spend the quality time with their wives and girlfriends. Linux may be hot now, but without adequate procreation of its vocal supporters, it will be a footnote in a generation.

i’d feel sorry for you if you weren’t grossly overpaid.

i’m going to DESTROY YOU ALL!!!!! ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i’m having FUN! well, in a random disgusting kinda way, but all good fun is disgusting.

I’m not homophobic, I’m just intolerant.

I’m smart. Take my pants off.

I’m sweet and innocent. Sweet means I taste good, and innocent means you wouldn’t know.

I’ve gotten things more evil than you free at participating mcdonalds.

I’ve heard of ‘meat loaf’–but let me ask you–what the hell is ‘butt loaf’? Is that something to go with the tossed salad that the other bathroom scrawlers are always gobbling about?

if anyone wants the vicarious orgasm, send me a check for $5.

If I wanted to sleep with someone that effeminate, I’d be heterosexual.

If she comes at you with an orangestick and nail polish, be warned: SHE’s BEEN DRINKING. Malt liquor and manicures don’t mix. Come to think of it, not much does mix with malt liquor so I suggest you drink fast.

If you utilize “utilize” when you should have utilized “use,” then you have successfully abutilized the English language.

Inside you’re laughing. … Outside you’re covered with creamy nougat.

it’s against my religion to drink to escape problems. i can only drink to *cause* problems.

It’s not pedophilia, they’re not underage. I mean… ummm…

it’s not that bad. just annoying. you’ll keep trying to do all kinds of perl-ish things in it and hitting the wall. and then you learn to gear your brain like a mongoloid 3 year old chimpanzee, and php will seem intuitive to you.

It’s only premarital sex if you’re going to get married.

It’s so embarrassing when I’m always right.

Looking at these prekies, I can just feel my Kinsey score dropping…

looks like i can’t make it. i’ll be in one of the eVENTfUl meetings of the soRt that wE CAn’t say much sPecIfic abouT. everyone be sure to eAt a Lot of sushi and wish me luck.

Maybe 1 percent. The one percent shall hereby be named ‘angst’. As in, ‘I met a really nice piece of angst today’.

Men are always whining about how we’re suffocating them. Personally, I think if you can hear them whining… you’re not pressing hard enough on the pillow.

[Microsoft Java]. Yeah, “Write Once, Run Anywhere as long as it’s Windows”. Which is better than the Sun VM: “Write Once, Run on Solaris because none of the other ports really work.”, or better yet, MRJ: “Write Once, crash your Mac.” And let’s not forget Vibe: “Write Once, bend over.”

my ethics teacher, on the other hand, is one of the best impersonators of a hamster pumped full of crack in the world. who wins? me.

My testicles actually grow in size every time I drive that fast.

Never read James Joyce while sitting on the toilet. It will forever distort your ability to go to the can.

No, I was given negative access rights to the directories because I zephyred an email message to a guy ten seconds before it got to his mailbox.

Now you have two problems: a girlfriend who thinks AppleScript is kind of neat.

NT is like AIDS. Everything looks great, and a couple of years later you realize you’ve got serious problems - the price you pay for screwing around.

“Nyne-and-a-half weequil” Multi-purpose cold and flu remedy for the phase of the illness where you’ve stopped shaving or washing your hair and now look suspiciously like Mickey Rourke. The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, achy, stuffy head, fever so you can quit thinking naughty thoughts about Kim Basinger medicine.

of course i don’t think you’re stupid, dear. well, except in dating that wuss when you could have someone totally perfect like me.

Oh, and the *HUG* was a response to something I posted on alt.bitterness. The last chick from there I started writing to just sent me mail saying she just got married, and that she’s still bitter.

Oh, btw, if I said or did anything out of character, or accidentally embarrassed/angered/molested anyone – I blame it on the liquor and drugs … oh, and Moose, of course, just because. Then again, I was out of town on business.

ok, so proof by lack of counterexample is invalid. i can prove it by mathematical induction, though, if you accept the law of conservation of bitterness.

Okay, I have you slated for “Carnage, Massive and Widespread” as well as “Pillage, Plunder, Other” and “Semi-Divine Escort (Brunhilde, Gunhilla, Sigurd: your choice of)”.

scalable enterprise ennui for the new millenium

Shouldn’t we try and rise above our evolutionarily determined urges, especially when they’re nothing but meaningless, wasteful exchanges? Nope. Well, unless you want to never get laid. See figure 1.

Sometimes I really hate myself for being so judgemental. But not today.

Suicide? Actually that would be really ironically funny, because my roommate’s best friend committed suicide this summer, and if I waxed myself he’d just flip.

SWM seeks intelligent SWF for pointless sexual relationship. I’m bitter, jaded, and hate the outdoors, but don’t let that stop you since I won’t value your opinion anyway. Call me, and save the money you would have spent on dinner and a movie.

SWM25, snuff fetishist, seeking SWF18-25 for short term relationship.

Ten thousand people in this damn school and I get a stupid fat Greek with poor taste in music who lives across the hall and thinks he’s a headbanger.

The correct expression is “my date”. If ya can’t bring a date to your own wedding…well, then, consider civilization collapsed.

The dogs of war don’t fetch.

The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.

The great thing about homophobia (logic flies out the window and begins performing stunts somewhere near the math department offices) is that once you’ve decided you hate gays, you can then decide that someone you don’t like is gay, and have a reason to hate him other than that you are an imbecile.

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

The irony is that we subtly contribute to this by helping to build network and organizational infrastructure which supports a highly networked economy. We think we’re doing better because our salaries go up and up and up when in fact we spend more and more of our income at… amazon.com. Translation: less money now than when I was flat broke.

The next new episode of Star Trek: Voyager involves a “space carnivore” that “eats spaceships.” There is nothing I can say that will make that sentence any funnier.

The policy is no eating, not no food. If it was no food, I’d invite Gary into the cluster and start gnawing on him.

The problem with relationships is not so much when the bloom is off the rose as when the broom is off the lose.

There! I have entered next year’s classes and finals into my calendar. Now I can skip them.

There are only two hard things in CS: cache invalidation, naming things, and fencepost errors.

There is but one lesson you must learn, young one: Do what you want. Of you don’t know what you want, then do nothing, and call it Zen. Don’t bother attempting to get subcultural insights from someone who believes in subculture. The emperor wears no clothes, and the Way cannot be seen. An old and wise Sybase on the hill.

This is it. Billions of dollars of development in computers and miniaturization technology, all so I can have Jenna Jameson and a cheap knock-off of “The Bard’s Tale” in my pants.

This job is driving me to drink. Four drinks in my entire life and right now I’m drinking while coding. I should probably test this in the morning.

This spoon is carefully balanced for throwing.

Today would be an ideal day for… unexpected clean underwear! YES!

23.8? that’s dangerously close to the fuzzy-animals-event-horizon.

Um, it’s time for the corrective *headgear*, dear.

Usenet may not be an infinite number of monkeys sitting at keyboards trying to create Shakespeare, but it’s the closest thing we’ve got.

We asked him to explain it to us again, and we still couldn’t understand what he was talking about, so ignore what he says and write about what we explained - we’re the ones grading it anyway.

We do dangerous drugs, and pass the savings on to you!

We have a new centralized ordering system to help us control costs. It does control costs; it keeps us from ordering anything.

Welcome to Vasa-Zine! The only online magazine for humans, by humans. Well except for that day when those apes took over, but I think we have that problem under control now.

Well we have established that Chris wouldn’t touch me with a six inch pole. Which is a good thing, because I hate Polish jokes.

Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?

WILL YOU PLEASE IMPALE YOURSELF THROUGH THE HEART ON MY WOODEN STAKE, GOTH BOY? CHECK ONE: YES NO

Wow, that’s a great quote! I think I’ll write it on my wall, for everyone to see how deep I am!

yeah, if i weren’t halfway to getting married i’d totally hit on you for about 15 minutes before getting distracted by some new web site

you can also read my quotefile, which is horribly out of date not because i’m too lazy to update it, but because no one ever says anything interesting anymore.

You do not understand hate. You do not hate *something*, you are full of hate or not full of hate. Generally, if you are not full of hate you are dumb. Generally, if you are full of hate you are also dumb. Generally, you are dumb.

You know why last night was cool? Last night was cool because I got to say “I have firewall-1 in my pants and I’m not happy to see you”

You misunderstand. I’m not a sexist, I’m a misogynist. I don’t have anything against any of the other sexes, just women.

You shouldn’t take everything you read on the net seriously… People like me post on the net.

You’re about as accurate as an archer in a centrifuge.